Few things can send waves of panic coursing through a woman’s body quite like a man suddenly pulling away. Things started out so great. You had amazing chemistry, the connection was strong, and you really thought he could be the guy for you. But then things took a turn…
Now he’s not as available… he disappears for days at a time… he ignores your texts… and he just doesn’t seem as excited by your existence. You’re just about ready to throw in the towel and call it a day on this relationship, but then he comes back! Maybe he shoots you a friendly text or wants to hang out.
You feel relief, but also anxiety and on edge. What if he disappears again? How can you hang onto him?
You’re on a painful cycle of having hope, getting your hopes crushed, and then having hope again.
The highs and lows drive you crazy, but it’s better than accepting that a guy you really care about doesn’t feel the same.
Here is how to deal with a man pulling away:
Why It Happens:
First, let’s address the main reasons a man will pull away. Most of the time it has nothing to do with you, it’s just his way of dealing with things.
He may be having issues that have nothing to do with you or the relationship and he withdraws because that’s his way of dealing with things. Maybe he’s having problems at work, maybe he’s struggling financially, or maybe he’s having family issues.
You don’t know, and you won’t know unless he decides to talk to you about it (and this is a decision only he can make. Don’t try to force anything out of him.) Or he may just need to get some perspective on the relationship. This is just his process. The sooner you can accept that, the sooner you’ll free yourself from useless worry and stress.
And the rest of the time… he was never that interested in you, to begin with. This is especially true of a guy who comes in and out of your life on a loop. He probably had some level of interest, but not enough.
What To Do:
If a guy wants space, the best thing you can do is give it to him. Chasing after him is not what’s going to get him to see you as an amazing one-of-a-kind woman. Instead, chasing him shows you are insecure and desperate.
Rather than obsessing over him and what he’s thinking and how he feels, focus on yourself. Focus on finding your own happiness so you aren’t dependent on him to feel good about yourself.
1. Acceptance is key.
Accept the situation for what it is. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you have something else. Most people can recognize the truth when it’s staring them in the face. They often just choose to ignore it and look the other way or write their own version of events even though deep down they know it’s pure fiction.
If he’s having personal issues, that’s one thing and you can usually tell if that’s the case. If he’s just not that interested in you … that’s a different story. And most people know when this is the case, they just don’t want to admit it.
If he had true feelings for you, he wouldn’t be behaving this way. If he really cared about you, you would know it.
Will he change his mind and come back with a renewed and recharged level of interest? It’s possible, but that’s only if you step away and re-center yourself so that your sense of happiness and fulfillment comes from you, not from his opinion of you. When he no longer feels this pressure and needy vibe, he may feel a gravitational pull toward you.
If he doesn’t come back, there isn’t much you can do. You can’t badger him into having feelings for you. You have to accept that some things will never be in your control.
You may mistake your devastation for meaning that he really is the right guy for you, but this isn’t the case. For one, you can’t possibly know him well enough at this point to determine something as significant as that.
Getting over someone who does not love us back isn’t easy. In fact, sometimes being rejected from the start hurts more than a breakup. If you fall in love and actually feel the other person’s love for you, at least you don’t question whether you’re worthy of being loved. When you’re rejected before things really even get off the ground, it can bring a lot of things into question and summon a lot of old wounds.
2. Realize you are not “unworthy” because you don’t have someone’s love.
The plain and simple truth about love is not everyone is a match. Sometimes both of you will see it (and this is the ideal scenario), but usually, only one person will see it and the other will be devastated because they really believed this was it.
Just because someone doesn’t want you the way you want them doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love … it just means they weren’t right for you and that’s really no big deal. All this really means is you are now free to find someone who is right for you. And when you do, there won’t be any confusion or “mixed messages,” and any other confusing relationship behavior.
3. Realize that this is idealization.
A lot of the time when you’re pining for someone who doesn’t want you, you aren’t seeing them clearly and instead are creating an image of them in your mind that has nothing to do with who they are. Face this and learn to be OK with the fact that love usually finds you when you least expect it, not when you try to force it.
Don’t go looking for love; just be open to meeting new people for the sake of it; this is what will attract love into your life.
Another part of the idealization is the dramatization of the entire saga. Being in love with someone who does not love us back gives us this glimmer of hope that they actually might love us someday and this can take on an almost theatrical and addicting internal drama that consumes you; it’s romanticized in a way.
This romance is hurting you and wasting your time.